Women Shouldn't Compete, We Should Collaborate

This past weekend I spent a night out with a male companion. We missed our movie and decided to stop at a nearby restaurant to have drinks. It was a Friday, so as we predicted the place was pretty packed. We found a small, high top table in the bar area  and decided to sit there. We were surrounded by people, conversations, and flat screen TVs entertaining sports fans. To my left sat four African American women, who appeared to be in their late 30s or early 40s. Initially, I hadn't paid much attention to them. They just seemed to be a typical group of women enjoying each other's company.

As the night went on my friend and I sipped our drinks and zoned in on each other's voices; attempting to focus on our conversation rather than the many others taking place. For the majority of the night I hadn't taken my eyes off of him. For one it helped me focus on what he was saying, and two he is extremely handsome and I enjoyed having him in my presence. As the night went on it became clear that I was not the only one who admired his appearance.

I felt someone starring at me. As the feeling intensified I decided to glance across the room to justify my suspicions. To the left of me I found one of the four women, resting her head on her hand, starring directly at me. I made a surprised/offended face, shook my head, and turned back to my friend. A few seconds later he stopped in midst of his conversation and said "is she starring at us, what is she looking at?" I told him I didn't know and to just ignore it. I assumed by their earlier laughter and loud tone the women had consumed one too many drinks and were feeling them now.

As my friend continued his conversation I couldn't help but hear one of the women repeat everything he was saying. I didn't know if she was mocking him or just trying to get his attention. I told him to talk about something else because I wasn't sure if that topic should discussed in front of people who were listening so hard. How she heard him I don't understand because I was barely catching what he was saying and I was much closer to him.

A few minutes later the women started up again, "I'm cute, you're cute, we're cuter than her. We should be with him" is what she said to her friend. I was completely baffled, as was my date. He was more furious, he said their ghettoness was pissing him off. I was completely offended, not because they weren't satisfied with my looks, but because two women would bash another woman for a man they don't even know. For a man that had no interest in them.

Shortly after, the women left. On their way towards the door I seen them arguing with a group of people at another table. I don't know if they knew each other. But once again, they were making their comments towards the male at the table.

This isn't the first time I've had women dislike me, but it is the first time I've had women who know nothing about me hold a grudge against me. I just couldn't believe it. I could not understand what I did to them. Upon sharing the story with my aunt her response was, "is this really the first time this has happened to you, you better get used to it."

So this is normal?

Two other women pointed out to me that it is a possibility that the women were jealous and perhaps attempting to convince themselves he was with me because of my lighter skin tone. Because I am in the south this is quite possible. The racial tension is very prevalent in the south, and I have felt the tension before. However, I've never heard anyone say something like this. I've read memes and articles about the light skin vs. dark skin movement. I've also reviewed scholarship presenting the idea that African American women embrace european standards of beauty to 1) makes themselves feel better about their appearance, and 2) as a subconscious demonstration of self-hate.

Like most issues in society I have read about them, researched them, witnessed them, but have never experience them. I am surrounded by strong, confident, educated women--both black and white--that have never showed any signs of jealousy. Obviously not all women are like the ones at the restaurant, but it is shocking that women, I would consider my sisters, would hate one of their own.

Regardless of if the "beef" was result of my skin tone, ethnicity, physical appearance, or my man it is still unacceptable. There is plenty of scholarship that attempts to explain why women treat each other this way, there are various workshops that try to help women deal with their jealousies, but more importantly there are way too many issues women already have to face for us not to empower each other. Women are still fighting for equal rights, we have a bigger enemy, how dare we pull each other down.

This small experience is an example of why our movements towards a better society have failed to move. Why are we competing against each other when we should be collaborating with each other. If a woman is willing to put me down for a man she doesn't know, what else will she try and take from me? It also bothers me that she thought she deserved him simply because of what she looks like. Is that all she has to offer? Sadly, that is all a lot of women think they have to offer. I am not too strict on gender roles, but if you are not willing to take care of your man (mentally and physically) then why are you more equipped to have  him?

As women, our hatred towards one another--which is a reflection of hatred for ourself--needs to stop. We are more than our looks, we are more than what a man sees in us, we are more than competition for the next woman. We are sisters, we should be united.

"Talking White" and Its Association with Jealousy and Internalized-racism

Recently my long-time friend and professional companion, Quaneisha, sent me this video accompanied with a request to speak on the issue of "talking white." As minority women who are degree holders this is a term we are all to familiar with. The way in which this term is used, at least the way I perceive it, is both an insult to the speaker and a self-inflicted insult to the person who delivered it.

The young woman in the video does an exceptional job of defining what other's view as "talking white" and does her best to defuse the term through revealing to her audience that there is no such thing as talking white, just speaking correctly. She even hints at how this term elevates another race, which is the bigger more urgent issue of the accusation "talking White." By giving the impression that only one race has access to an elite form of language inequalities will continue and will minorities suffer at the hands of their own race.

At a very young age I took my first summer trip to the South. My father's family originated in Texas and we were invited to a family reunion. We were immediately welcomed by our unfamiliar, but obviously related, extended family members. Being a child I was ecstatic to see so many people my own age, so I ran off to play. As soon as I opened my mouth my cousins exclaimed, "uggh why you sound so much like a White girl?" Naively, I answered, "well, I am White." At the time I had no idea the type of judgement this phrase was carrying, but I thought me being biracial was a good enough explanation.

About 15 years later, during the latter end of completing my Bachelor's degree, I went home for a weekend to hang out with family. My sister, my cousin, and I were having a conversation about how the content featured in the current cartoons being aired were not for children. I had recently wrote a paper on this in school so I figured this would be a good time to pass that knowledge on, boy was I wrong. After explaining my thesis and some of the things I accumulated from research my cousin's only response was "why you gotta sound like you so smart all the time. You're such a white girl."

As you can see in both cases of suffering criticism for my adapted vernacular neither one of the critics possessed enough literacy to form a sentence well enough to make a sensible case. But because I was endowed the vocabulary to compose a rational conversation/argument I was attacked. Vocabulary is closely associated with "talking White." Even though exercising a healthy vocabulary shouldn't label you as White, it should label you as a reader. That is the only way you are rewarded with an extensive word bank; it has nothing to do with race. However, knowing a lot can easily be mistaken with knowing it all. But "Talking White" isn't just what you deliver, it's how you deliver it.

Understandingly, minorities do have a complex about the way in which they are spoken to. Quaneisha pointed out that arrogance, aggressiveness, and privilege are characteristics associated with "talking white." And sure enough they are stereotypical elements of the dominant white male too. The tone in which you are speaking can convey a negative message, if that is in fact the tone you are speaking in. When the wrong tone, vocabulary, and message are combined I can clearly seen how a speaker can be mistook as insulting. However, this isn't a result of "talking White" it a matter of being an ass.

So what do people mean when the accuse you of "taking White?"

Before I attempt to answer it is important to note that sadly every time I've been told I talk white it has been by another minority. My ability to speak with proof that I've paid a pricey tuition, completed an endless amount of course assignments, resulting in an adapted language which helps to represent me as an educated, hardworking member of society has never been made fun of by a White person.

Meaning, in the words of Quaneisha, being told you "talk white" is the equivalent to being called a sellout. Adopting a new, plentiful vocabulary, speaking with confidence, and demonstrating intelligence via language means that we minorities have left our native tongue behind to emerge ourselves into the "White man's world." We've abandoned our culture. In sum, we are traders who have conformed to White society.

And here I thought I was doing the total opposite. I believed that when speaking to members of my community in the same way I would those in my degree program I was respecting and valuing their intelligence. I always figured if I changed the way I spoke when I returned home then I would be looked at as talking down to them, or perceiving them as too dumb to keep up with my new language.

I agree with the young woman's suggestion for everyone to have more than one language.  It is unacceptable to remain illiterate, especially if you are a minority. I personally feel that our ancestors put in an immense amount of effort to move us closer to obtaining equal opportunities to pursue higher education, penetrate various careers, and to communicate across cultures. Therefore, one should be willing and able to communicate with different groups.

Even still, the origins of "talking white" and its meaning is not a matter of illiteracy nor misconstrued  messages, essentially it is an assertion that we aren't good enough; a confession of internalized-racism. There are numerous studies and theories arguing that internalized-racism is prominent in minority communities and displayed subconsciously through means such as adapting the European perceptions of beauty (straight hair, lighter skin). Meaning we embrace the norms that were forced on us, thinking that in order to feel good about ourselves these are the things we are supposed to do.

Except, speaking fluently has never been a norm for minority communities, that is something we are still fighting for. Throughout history, and yes even today, our opportunities to improve our mental capacities have been limited. Due to economic reasons, supposedly, our school systems are failing us. And the ones that are not are now under threat of segregation (talk about history repeating itself). It's even worse in higher education. Minorities are underrepresented in our universities, and whether that's because they aren't applying or aren't being accepted it's still an issue because no one is helping them try again.

Those accused of "talking White" are not the issue, it is those who rather throw around derogatory terms instead of rising to the occasion who are failing our community. Instead of working together to break through this barrier and avoid conforming to the norm of being ignorant, we devalue the token members of our society who possess proper diction. Jealousy has driven us to self-oppress.

The idea of "talking white" is bigger than accusing your intelligent friend of mimicking a White person's language, it a representation of how we are mimicking the dominant group's behavior in setting our own community back.

"Talking White" means "stay in your place." I caution you, use it at your own risk.