This past weekend I spent a night out with a male companion. We missed our movie and decided to stop at a nearby restaurant to have drinks. It was a Friday, so as we predicted the place was pretty packed. We found a small, high top table in the bar area and decided to sit there. We were surrounded by people, conversations, and flat screen TVs entertaining sports fans. To my left sat four African American women, who appeared to be in their late 30s or early 40s. Initially, I hadn't paid much attention to them. They just seemed to be a typical group of women enjoying each other's company.
As the night went on my friend and I sipped our drinks and zoned in on each other's voices; attempting to focus on our conversation rather than the many others taking place. For the majority of the night I hadn't taken my eyes off of him. For one it helped me focus on what he was saying, and two he is extremely handsome and I enjoyed having him in my presence. As the night went on it became clear that I was not the only one who admired his appearance.
I felt someone starring at me. As the feeling intensified I decided to glance across the room to justify my suspicions. To the left of me I found one of the four women, resting her head on her hand, starring directly at me. I made a surprised/offended face, shook my head, and turned back to my friend. A few seconds later he stopped in midst of his conversation and said "is she starring at us, what is she looking at?" I told him I didn't know and to just ignore it. I assumed by their earlier laughter and loud tone the women had consumed one too many drinks and were feeling them now.
As my friend continued his conversation I couldn't help but hear one of the women repeat everything he was saying. I didn't know if she was mocking him or just trying to get his attention. I told him to talk about something else because I wasn't sure if that topic should discussed in front of people who were listening so hard. How she heard him I don't understand because I was barely catching what he was saying and I was much closer to him.
A few minutes later the women started up again, "I'm cute, you're cute, we're cuter than her. We should be with him" is what she said to her friend. I was completely baffled, as was my date. He was more furious, he said their ghettoness was pissing him off. I was completely offended, not because they weren't satisfied with my looks, but because two women would bash another woman for a man they don't even know. For a man that had no interest in them.
Shortly after, the women left. On their way towards the door I seen them arguing with a group of people at another table. I don't know if they knew each other. But once again, they were making their comments towards the male at the table.
This isn't the first time I've had women dislike me, but it is the first time I've had women who know nothing about me hold a grudge against me. I just couldn't believe it. I could not understand what I did to them. Upon sharing the story with my aunt her response was, "is this really the first time this has happened to you, you better get used to it."
So this is normal?
Two other women pointed out to me that it is a possibility that the women were jealous and perhaps attempting to convince themselves he was with me because of my lighter skin tone. Because I am in the south this is quite possible. The racial tension is very prevalent in the south, and I have felt the tension before. However, I've never heard anyone say something like this. I've read memes and articles about the light skin vs. dark skin movement. I've also reviewed scholarship presenting the idea that African American women embrace european standards of beauty to 1) makes themselves feel better about their appearance, and 2) as a subconscious demonstration of self-hate.
Like most issues in society I have read about them, researched them, witnessed them, but have never experience them. I am surrounded by strong, confident, educated women--both black and white--that have never showed any signs of jealousy. Obviously not all women are like the ones at the restaurant, but it is shocking that women, I would consider my sisters, would hate one of their own.
Regardless of if the "beef" was result of my skin tone, ethnicity, physical appearance, or my man it is still unacceptable. There is plenty of scholarship that attempts to explain why women treat each other this way, there are various workshops that try to help women deal with their jealousies, but more importantly there are way too many issues women already have to face for us not to empower each other. Women are still fighting for equal rights, we have a bigger enemy, how dare we pull each other down.
This small experience is an example of why our movements towards a better society have failed to move. Why are we competing against each other when we should be collaborating with each other. If a woman is willing to put me down for a man she doesn't know, what else will she try and take from me? It also bothers me that she thought she deserved him simply because of what she looks like. Is that all she has to offer? Sadly, that is all a lot of women think they have to offer. I am not too strict on gender roles, but if you are not willing to take care of your man (mentally and physically) then why are you more equipped to have him?
As women, our hatred towards one another--which is a reflection of hatred for ourself--needs to stop. We are more than our looks, we are more than what a man sees in us, we are more than competition for the next woman. We are sisters, we should be united.
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