Stop Blaming Me for Your Failures

A few months ago I was accepted to attend a partially-funded study abroad trip. Although it was my second time overseas I was ecstatic to be accepted on the trip. I had applied for the same trip the year before and was rejected. Devastated, but determined, I told myself not to give up. I reapplied the following fall semester, and heard the good news right before Christmas. I spent the whole spring semester, up until my departure in May, saving up for the trip. Unfortunately, attending the trip meant I would miss both my mother and my sister's birthday. But I couldn't pass up the trip, and of course they understood. I later spent a great deal of time searching for the perfect birthday presents for them lol.

About a week into a trip I received an email from one of my best friends. I was thrilled to have contact from back home. The first time I studied abroad I rarely had access to the internet. I felt alone and disconnected. As I read the email my excitement transitioned into disappointment, then confusion, then anger. As I contented to read, I learned that her "I miss having you as a friend" subject line meant that she had defriended and neglected to tell me or act like it. Her email explained that her "beef" with me was in my success and what she perceived as her failures She said she blamed me for having the life she wanted, for making it when she couldn't, for reaching all of my goals.

The irony in the situation lies in the setting. I was the one who had failed. I was reading this email from a gorgeous Moroccan-themed hotel room in Brussels, Belgium that I barely got to be in.  As I said, I was rejected from the trip the first time and I sacrificed priceless moments with my family to be in a foreign country with strangers. She, on the other hand, was writing this email from behind a desk at her well-paying job, that she received after we obtained our degrees, located a few minutes from her family. Maybe I did leave her behind. Perhaps I am to blame for her failure… But how, when the person on the other end of the email participated in my success as much as I contributed to hers. We worked on each other mentally, physically, and professionally. We studied together, we got honors together, we got degrees together. There was no way she was a failure, at least not to me.

For over four years we constructed a bond, a sisterhood. And here she was telling me she wanted our friendship back, I didn't even know we lost it. Her words upset me, not because I was naive enough to believe her insecurities were a result of my success, but because it wasn't the first time I've recieved this message.

I've been put down every time I came up. My whole life, I've been criticized for every opportunity I have accepted, because "I make it look too easy." Whether it is from my classmates, my friends, or my family I have been the object of negativity, jealousy, and hate. I imagine, I'm not the only one who has experienced this, which means the bigger picture is much more problematic then my little miserable email.

So what is it that makes a successful person the object of scrutiny? Why are we secretly hated instead of admired or praised?

I was told that if a friend turns into an enemy than they were never a friend. But I believe that if a friend ends up hating me, their problem isn't with me, their problem is that they never loved themselves. We live in a world where it's thought to be more productive to compete instead of collaborate. One should only compete when there's a threat, and one should only feel threatened when they are unsure of themselves. The insecurity in our community is at an all time high! And it will destroy us. We have to learn to  address our issues with one another. Envying our sisters and bothers  will only manifest into self-hate. We have enough people against us, we cannot afford to be out to get one another too.