Wanna see me kiss a girl?

You clicked on this link because you were interested in me kissing a girl, but you probably turned the channel when Love and Hip Hop's Miles was about to kiss his boyfriend Milan. SHAME ON YOU!

Recent scholarship in American TV studies has shown that television programs have failed to explore and demonstrate the dynamics of two particular characters, one of them being homosexuals. Julie D'Acci's "Television, Representation, and Gender" conceives television as a "technology, and as a social, economic, cultural, and ideological institution" (373).  D'Acci goes on to argue that "television's schedule, its information, and its stories have active roles in shaping the ways TV viewers think about themselves and feel about themselves in their world" (373). Meaning, television not only produces images and sounds, but it produces citizens. TV is a common and popular medium that informs the ways in which we act, think, and treat other people.

Up until recently television shows have refused to display homosexual relationships. Now, we have a couple of hit shows--Modern Family, Empire, Glee--that thrive on their homosexual co-stars, however, it is important to note that rarely ever is a homosexual the protagonist in a show and their lives, especially not their love lives, are not explored in depth. It is nice that homosexuals are on screen now, but we're still not getting to know them. Their characters are always supportive other their heterosexual friend's relationships--especially during breakups--but what about their own relationships. Why don't we get to hear their intimate conversations, experience their fights, watch their kissing scenes (well we do if it's two girls smh). My point is, by censoring homosexual relationships we are giving the impression that 1) they don't exist and 2) they're not ok.

That is until Love and Hip Hop finally did something right. For years now, we have been watching these has-been music stars try to earn some extra cash and grip on tight to the last bit of publicity they can get,   just to see the same ol' shit every time. So and so is sleeping with this girl's baby daddy, this dude is always in the studio, but never puts out an album, while this bum chick is trying to fight another bum chick over a worthless man. Drinks go flying, weaves get pulled, someone comes out with a lipstick line, and Mona wraps up the season finale with a professional spill that fails to mask how ratchet her show is.

For so long, Love and Hip Hop has been degrading the black community. They're making a mockery of hip hop, they're disrespecting our bodies, making fun of our refusal to commit to our significant others, and profiting on our pride, negligence, and lack of manners. But now, they're actually showing something worth watching. Miles and Milan are more than two gay men, with I'm sure their own ratchet drama, of course. They are one of the first homosexual couples that will get the opportunity to demonstrate the dynamics of a homosexual relationship on TV! This is a big freaking deal. Because guess what! That other underrepresented group that I mentioned earlier is….yep you guessed it….African Americans.

African Americans and homosexuals have yet to secure leading roles, consistent roles, and/or well-developed roles in American TV. Shows such as Scandal, How to Get Away with Murder, and Empire are opening doors for more shows to have a dominantly Black cast. But guess what, those shows just started airing, which means we're just now getting our foot in the door. So don't close it!!!! Two men kissing may not be as sexy as two lesbians kissing, but it has meaning.

Here's my point. Our lives are not being documented well, accurately, or in depth, if at all on television. If television is an institution that influences the way we think about the world, our absence on screen is confirmation that our bodies aren't worth being seen, heard, explored, or appreciated. In no way am I trying to equate Blackness to homosexuality or vice versa, but I do want to articulate that both communities are struggling to be valued. I also want to reiterate that these two communities are not binaries nor are the enemies, they do overlap. When you chant #blacklives matter, I need you to know that our straight black men are not the only ones being hated, harassed, gun downed, exterminated. Our black homosexual males are suffering too.

Love and Hip Hop does not provide the best representations of Black people, but it's representation nonetheless. Miles and Milan are a game changer for the show and for American TV. We are finally being seen, so watch.

Stop Blaming Me for Your Failures

A few months ago I was accepted to attend a partially-funded study abroad trip. Although it was my second time overseas I was ecstatic to be accepted on the trip. I had applied for the same trip the year before and was rejected. Devastated, but determined, I told myself not to give up. I reapplied the following fall semester, and heard the good news right before Christmas. I spent the whole spring semester, up until my departure in May, saving up for the trip. Unfortunately, attending the trip meant I would miss both my mother and my sister's birthday. But I couldn't pass up the trip, and of course they understood. I later spent a great deal of time searching for the perfect birthday presents for them lol.

About a week into a trip I received an email from one of my best friends. I was thrilled to have contact from back home. The first time I studied abroad I rarely had access to the internet. I felt alone and disconnected. As I read the email my excitement transitioned into disappointment, then confusion, then anger. As I contented to read, I learned that her "I miss having you as a friend" subject line meant that she had defriended and neglected to tell me or act like it. Her email explained that her "beef" with me was in my success and what she perceived as her failures She said she blamed me for having the life she wanted, for making it when she couldn't, for reaching all of my goals.

The irony in the situation lies in the setting. I was the one who had failed. I was reading this email from a gorgeous Moroccan-themed hotel room in Brussels, Belgium that I barely got to be in.  As I said, I was rejected from the trip the first time and I sacrificed priceless moments with my family to be in a foreign country with strangers. She, on the other hand, was writing this email from behind a desk at her well-paying job, that she received after we obtained our degrees, located a few minutes from her family. Maybe I did leave her behind. Perhaps I am to blame for her failure… But how, when the person on the other end of the email participated in my success as much as I contributed to hers. We worked on each other mentally, physically, and professionally. We studied together, we got honors together, we got degrees together. There was no way she was a failure, at least not to me.

For over four years we constructed a bond, a sisterhood. And here she was telling me she wanted our friendship back, I didn't even know we lost it. Her words upset me, not because I was naive enough to believe her insecurities were a result of my success, but because it wasn't the first time I've recieved this message.

I've been put down every time I came up. My whole life, I've been criticized for every opportunity I have accepted, because "I make it look too easy." Whether it is from my classmates, my friends, or my family I have been the object of negativity, jealousy, and hate. I imagine, I'm not the only one who has experienced this, which means the bigger picture is much more problematic then my little miserable email.

So what is it that makes a successful person the object of scrutiny? Why are we secretly hated instead of admired or praised?

I was told that if a friend turns into an enemy than they were never a friend. But I believe that if a friend ends up hating me, their problem isn't with me, their problem is that they never loved themselves. We live in a world where it's thought to be more productive to compete instead of collaborate. One should only compete when there's a threat, and one should only feel threatened when they are unsure of themselves. The insecurity in our community is at an all time high! And it will destroy us. We have to learn to  address our issues with one another. Envying our sisters and bothers  will only manifest into self-hate. We have enough people against us, we cannot afford to be out to get one another too.

The Value of My Brain is More Than that of My Body

I take every opportunity to advertise my brand "brains before beauty," but rarely ever do I get to elaborate on why I've adapted this lifestyle.

Since I was a child I have been complimented on my physical appearance. I've always been described as "adorable" or "a cutie." I remember overhearing people tell my parents "you're going to be in trouble with a daughter so pretty."Because I spent most of my life as a tomboy, I never knew what the big deal was. To me, I looked so much like my dad I may as well been a little boy. However, others made it a priority to stare at, point at, and talk about my features.  As I developed I went from being cute to "gorgeous," "sexy," "exotic." They envied my long, black, silky hair. They were afraid of my seductive, cat-like eyes. They loved my full lips that sometimes morphed into a joyous smile. They lusted over my long legs, thick thighs, and full breasts.

I, on the other hand, could careless. When I look in the mirror all I see is a big ass head, feigning for knowledge.

I appreciate the compliments. I am satisfied with my appearance. I am grateful for the skin I am in. But it is not to I that you owe the credit. With the help of God, my parents produced this beauty you see. I didn't do any work. I didn't put in any effort. 360 days out of the year I literally wake up like this. However, I did put in an a painstaking amount of work to continuously develop my brain. When people were telling me I would grow up to be a beautiful women, I was telling my mother I would grow up to be a professional student.

I spent most of my high school years fighting to be challenged. Every time I was kicked out of class I would be escorted out, begging the teacher to "just listen. I'm bored, that's all. Give me more work and I'll be good." I knew way to early that I was too smart. I therefore had to waste a lot of time trying to convince others that I was starving for knowledge, not attention. All I ever wanted was to learn. Due to my brain capacity I needed to learn more and more often than others to fully be satisfied. Hearing that from a child offended teachers.

The cycle repeated in college. It was so easy to maintain straight As and my position on the Dean's List, that I decided to apply myself outside of school as well. I started mentor programs, study sessions, joined clubs, worked out, and obtained a part-time job. I worked so diligently that I accidentally graduated early.

When I shared the news with my mother she was ecstatic. She asked what I would do next, I told her I would get another degree. School was the only thing that fulfilled me. She said "J.J., no one is going to keep paying for you to go to school." So when she received a letter from a private school explaining how they not only wanted to accept her daughter into their PhD program with only a BA, but they planned to fully fund her for five years, she said "you make your dreams come true fast, don't you."

For almost three years now I've been receiving straight As in graduate school, teaching college courses, tutoring middle schoolers, and spreading knowledge to anyone who will accept it. And all people have to say is, "you just keep getting prettier." All these years I've been indirectly begging people to look past my face and appreciate my brain. I've worked my butt off to market myself as an intelligent women, to compose 20 page papers, to be an invited speaker in multiple states, and to hold an intellectual conversation. So have one with me. Talk to me about something other than my looks, because that is the least I have to offer.

I place the value of my brain before my body because I myself have done the labor to construct it, therefore it is worth  more.

My beautiful body only serves as a vehicle to transport my brain, as it is precious cargo.

Fellas Just Get You a Shaniqua or a Jazmine, Either One is a Win: Light Skin vs. Dark Skin

I am so fed the F up with men saying they do not want to date dark skin girls because they beg too much, or they only want light skin girls because they are trophies.

Is you stoopid?

So let's set the record straight right now! There is a difference between dark skin women and light skin women, but it is the same difference between all women (OUR DAMN UPBRINGING JACKASS!)

Think about it logically. Most light skin girls are bi-racial, hints why their skin complexion is lighter. What does that mean? It means that our economical, cultural, and moral development is altered. And no that doesn't mean we are guaranteed to be privileged.

My mother is white and my father is black, which greatly changed my economic situation. Contrary to popular belief, my white mother did not come from money. But yes, my black daddy did come from the projects. Because my mother was disowned for dating my father they had no choice but to step up and take care of each other. Because they came from nothing, experienced intense racism, and had to fight to be together they insured that their children would not go through the same thing. Throughout my childhood both my mother and my father took turns working two jobs at a time so we wouldn't have to struggle. At one point my father had three jobs and my mother had two. As a result, I grew up to be hardworking and financially responsible. Watching my parent's experience taught me not to look for a handout because there will be no one there to hand it to you.

As a result, no I don't depend on a man, no I don't beg, and no I won't ask a man for anything.

My parent's intense drive also awarded me other luxuries. I learned to be loyal. My parents never had anyone to lean on, all they had was each other. Therefore, they forced my sister and I only to rely on each other. For that the four of us are indebted to each other. We are loyal to each other, and the select few we allow in our circle.

The mixture of my parents features blessed me with beautify. A very exotic beauty at that. But because my parents have substance and sense, they raised me to rely on my mind, rather than my body. For that reason I was highly encouraged to pursue my education, which I did. So yes, I can articulate myself better than other females. But it is not because light skins don't like to trip or argue. It's because I was afforded the luxury to receive training on how to speak my mind in a rational manner. Which also makes me more self-confident. I won't question you, I won't stalk you, and I won't chase you. It's not because light skins are more controllable, it's because I have more to offer and I can find someone else.

I was also exposed to difference. Different cities, people, opinions, lifestyles. My parents taught my sister and I not to judge; to accept people the way they wanted to be accepted. So yes, you have to work harder to impress me. It is not because I am stuck up, it's because I have been outside of my city, state, and country. I came from something and will never settle for nothing.

Because of racial discrimination, classism, sexism, and the fucked up society we live in, black girls don't always get this same experience. They don't come from the same background, they weren't raised the same, their parents may not have the same at stake. But they, themselves as women with dark skin have more to lose. Some dark skin women don't have the luxury to just live, they have to survive.

But don't you ever think that gives you the right to turn us against each other.

These stereotypes are not truth. They should not be a reflection of a race. And they damn sure shouldn't be a division between women.

My cousin is a black girl. She is accomplished, brilliant, confident, and flawlessly beautiful. Our upbringing was different, but our current goals, demeanor, and character are the same. I assure you she will never beg a man for anything. She's a nurse, a student, a mother, and an independent woman. She wants for nothing, because she awards herself with everything. She can have an intellectual conversation with you or she can beat your ass! And it's not because she's black and ghetto. It's because she has an amazing father who taught her how to handle herself (yes, the black girl has a daddy). It's because she has a mother who served as a role model for how a woman should take care her business. It's because she knows she deserves the best and won't settle for anything less than perfection, because that's what she is.

I know some mixed girls that have zero self confidence, and will sell their body to buy a fake Michael Kors bag. I know black girls who are pursuing their law degree and have never stepped foot in the hood a day in their life. The point is you should get to know the woman's background, before you judge her by her skin tone.

OK!

Now cut the shit with this light skin vs. dark skin and get on this Shaniqua or Jazmine because either one is a win!

A Bad Bitch is A Man's Best Friend

So it looks as if we still haven't made it past the "bad bitch" phase. We evolved from "bitch," to the "baddest bitch," to "bad bitches I'm yah leader."

For some women the term "bitch" should never be used. For others, it's the worse name you can be referred to--if it's coming from a male, or an enemy. But if it's coming from your female friend or your gay, male friend then it is a term of endearment. And then there are those women who refer to themselves as bitches, as a form of empowerment.

Truth is, at some point every woman--no matter how prim and proper--has aspired to be a bad bitch. We have to admit, the term is catchy. It is also engrained in us. But we must also not forget it is degrading.
So what is a bad bitch?

According to Urban Dictionary, the only dictionary that would even take time defining this term, there are a couple of definitions. I'll save you the headache and only share the entires that appear to be submitted by people who have actually been exposed to an education.

1) "A self respected, strong female who has everything together. That consists of body, mind, finances, and swagger. Also, a female who does & gets hers by any means necessary."

2) "A woman who is attempting to reclaim the usage of the word bitch by erasing it's previously understood derogatory connotation and replacing it with a celebration of strength. This re-definition, however, overlooks the historically entrenched and problematic discourse surrounding gender relationships."

3) "Female who knows what she wants and knows exactly how to get it.Female who is always ready for anything physically, emotionally, and also intellectually(one being book smart as well as street smart). One who is classy and all about business. Last, but certainly not least, one who knows how to take care of her man at home and in the streets and remains loyal to him(her man), herself, and the game at which she plays."

Ok, let's have at it. Entry #1, what self-respecting, strong female calls herself a bitch? If she handles her business by any means why not just refer to her as a hustler or an independent woman?

Entry #2 is right in regards to our success in overlooking the true meaning of the term and the damage it  has caused throughout our history. Instead of reclaiming a word that was never ours, we should stop using it. Most importantly we should stop answering to it because it is not who we are, and it is not a representation of who we are striving to be.

I'll get to entry #3 later.

Basically, a bad bitch is a woman who takes care of her responsibilities. Well in that case, just refer to yourself by your name since you are fulfilling your duties as an american citizen. Why should you get a special title for doing your job?

One factor distinguishing a bad bitch from an independent woman is her demand within a group of men. Men rather have a bad bitch than an independent woman. This is not a universal truth, however, it is a truth supported, and highly advertised, in popular culture. As entry #3 says, a bad bitch is "one who knows how to take care of her man at home and in the streets and remains loyal to him."

On the contrary, an independent woman prioritizes her career, education, kids, etc. over men. She comes first, not him. In our society, this is problematic. Although many women have worked hard to reclaim the term bitch in attempts to alter it's meaning, they have yet to succeed because our society has not updated it's agenda. We've had many women's rights movements, multiple waves of feminists, and a satisfying amount of women step into positions of power.  But the fact of the matter remains, women still come second to men. We are still payed less, respected less, and valued less. Except for our body, our body is highly valued.

However, our knowledge of this unequal treatment and our rise against it serves as a threat.

I have read scholarship and have personally been told that a man does not want a woman who does not make him feel needed. Therefore, men rather have a bad, obedient bitch than a strong, equality-seeking woman. And what are bitches? female dogs. What are dogs? Man's best friend? And what are women supposed to be? A man's finest accessory.

My point is, this is still a male-dominated society. This is still a place where you need to be tamed by a male or you're seen as a problem. More women are shifting to becoming independent, which causes distortion in our antique method of doing things. The more women fight to gain power, the harder society fights to regain order. As a solution, we give rise to the bad bitches. A bad bitch is a creation that gives women the impression that they are independent, while subconsciously re-sizing them back for their inferior position below men. Conforming to being a bad bitch allows men to reclaim ownership over women, once again.

Instead of being a bad bitch, just be bad at being a bitch because you never really know whose bitch you are anyway.