The Value of My Brain is More Than that of My Body

I take every opportunity to advertise my brand "brains before beauty," but rarely ever do I get to elaborate on why I've adapted this lifestyle.

Since I was a child I have been complimented on my physical appearance. I've always been described as "adorable" or "a cutie." I remember overhearing people tell my parents "you're going to be in trouble with a daughter so pretty."Because I spent most of my life as a tomboy, I never knew what the big deal was. To me, I looked so much like my dad I may as well been a little boy. However, others made it a priority to stare at, point at, and talk about my features.  As I developed I went from being cute to "gorgeous," "sexy," "exotic." They envied my long, black, silky hair. They were afraid of my seductive, cat-like eyes. They loved my full lips that sometimes morphed into a joyous smile. They lusted over my long legs, thick thighs, and full breasts.

I, on the other hand, could careless. When I look in the mirror all I see is a big ass head, feigning for knowledge.

I appreciate the compliments. I am satisfied with my appearance. I am grateful for the skin I am in. But it is not to I that you owe the credit. With the help of God, my parents produced this beauty you see. I didn't do any work. I didn't put in any effort. 360 days out of the year I literally wake up like this. However, I did put in an a painstaking amount of work to continuously develop my brain. When people were telling me I would grow up to be a beautiful women, I was telling my mother I would grow up to be a professional student.

I spent most of my high school years fighting to be challenged. Every time I was kicked out of class I would be escorted out, begging the teacher to "just listen. I'm bored, that's all. Give me more work and I'll be good." I knew way to early that I was too smart. I therefore had to waste a lot of time trying to convince others that I was starving for knowledge, not attention. All I ever wanted was to learn. Due to my brain capacity I needed to learn more and more often than others to fully be satisfied. Hearing that from a child offended teachers.

The cycle repeated in college. It was so easy to maintain straight As and my position on the Dean's List, that I decided to apply myself outside of school as well. I started mentor programs, study sessions, joined clubs, worked out, and obtained a part-time job. I worked so diligently that I accidentally graduated early.

When I shared the news with my mother she was ecstatic. She asked what I would do next, I told her I would get another degree. School was the only thing that fulfilled me. She said "J.J., no one is going to keep paying for you to go to school." So when she received a letter from a private school explaining how they not only wanted to accept her daughter into their PhD program with only a BA, but they planned to fully fund her for five years, she said "you make your dreams come true fast, don't you."

For almost three years now I've been receiving straight As in graduate school, teaching college courses, tutoring middle schoolers, and spreading knowledge to anyone who will accept it. And all people have to say is, "you just keep getting prettier." All these years I've been indirectly begging people to look past my face and appreciate my brain. I've worked my butt off to market myself as an intelligent women, to compose 20 page papers, to be an invited speaker in multiple states, and to hold an intellectual conversation. So have one with me. Talk to me about something other than my looks, because that is the least I have to offer.

I place the value of my brain before my body because I myself have done the labor to construct it, therefore it is worth  more.

My beautiful body only serves as a vehicle to transport my brain, as it is precious cargo.

Fellas Just Get You a Shaniqua or a Jazmine, Either One is a Win: Light Skin vs. Dark Skin

I am so fed the F up with men saying they do not want to date dark skin girls because they beg too much, or they only want light skin girls because they are trophies.

Is you stoopid?

So let's set the record straight right now! There is a difference between dark skin women and light skin women, but it is the same difference between all women (OUR DAMN UPBRINGING JACKASS!)

Think about it logically. Most light skin girls are bi-racial, hints why their skin complexion is lighter. What does that mean? It means that our economical, cultural, and moral development is altered. And no that doesn't mean we are guaranteed to be privileged.

My mother is white and my father is black, which greatly changed my economic situation. Contrary to popular belief, my white mother did not come from money. But yes, my black daddy did come from the projects. Because my mother was disowned for dating my father they had no choice but to step up and take care of each other. Because they came from nothing, experienced intense racism, and had to fight to be together they insured that their children would not go through the same thing. Throughout my childhood both my mother and my father took turns working two jobs at a time so we wouldn't have to struggle. At one point my father had three jobs and my mother had two. As a result, I grew up to be hardworking and financially responsible. Watching my parent's experience taught me not to look for a handout because there will be no one there to hand it to you.

As a result, no I don't depend on a man, no I don't beg, and no I won't ask a man for anything.

My parent's intense drive also awarded me other luxuries. I learned to be loyal. My parents never had anyone to lean on, all they had was each other. Therefore, they forced my sister and I only to rely on each other. For that the four of us are indebted to each other. We are loyal to each other, and the select few we allow in our circle.

The mixture of my parents features blessed me with beautify. A very exotic beauty at that. But because my parents have substance and sense, they raised me to rely on my mind, rather than my body. For that reason I was highly encouraged to pursue my education, which I did. So yes, I can articulate myself better than other females. But it is not because light skins don't like to trip or argue. It's because I was afforded the luxury to receive training on how to speak my mind in a rational manner. Which also makes me more self-confident. I won't question you, I won't stalk you, and I won't chase you. It's not because light skins are more controllable, it's because I have more to offer and I can find someone else.

I was also exposed to difference. Different cities, people, opinions, lifestyles. My parents taught my sister and I not to judge; to accept people the way they wanted to be accepted. So yes, you have to work harder to impress me. It is not because I am stuck up, it's because I have been outside of my city, state, and country. I came from something and will never settle for nothing.

Because of racial discrimination, classism, sexism, and the fucked up society we live in, black girls don't always get this same experience. They don't come from the same background, they weren't raised the same, their parents may not have the same at stake. But they, themselves as women with dark skin have more to lose. Some dark skin women don't have the luxury to just live, they have to survive.

But don't you ever think that gives you the right to turn us against each other.

These stereotypes are not truth. They should not be a reflection of a race. And they damn sure shouldn't be a division between women.

My cousin is a black girl. She is accomplished, brilliant, confident, and flawlessly beautiful. Our upbringing was different, but our current goals, demeanor, and character are the same. I assure you she will never beg a man for anything. She's a nurse, a student, a mother, and an independent woman. She wants for nothing, because she awards herself with everything. She can have an intellectual conversation with you or she can beat your ass! And it's not because she's black and ghetto. It's because she has an amazing father who taught her how to handle herself (yes, the black girl has a daddy). It's because she has a mother who served as a role model for how a woman should take care her business. It's because she knows she deserves the best and won't settle for anything less than perfection, because that's what she is.

I know some mixed girls that have zero self confidence, and will sell their body to buy a fake Michael Kors bag. I know black girls who are pursuing their law degree and have never stepped foot in the hood a day in their life. The point is you should get to know the woman's background, before you judge her by her skin tone.

OK!

Now cut the shit with this light skin vs. dark skin and get on this Shaniqua or Jazmine because either one is a win!

A Bad Bitch is A Man's Best Friend

So it looks as if we still haven't made it past the "bad bitch" phase. We evolved from "bitch," to the "baddest bitch," to "bad bitches I'm yah leader."

For some women the term "bitch" should never be used. For others, it's the worse name you can be referred to--if it's coming from a male, or an enemy. But if it's coming from your female friend or your gay, male friend then it is a term of endearment. And then there are those women who refer to themselves as bitches, as a form of empowerment.

Truth is, at some point every woman--no matter how prim and proper--has aspired to be a bad bitch. We have to admit, the term is catchy. It is also engrained in us. But we must also not forget it is degrading.
So what is a bad bitch?

According to Urban Dictionary, the only dictionary that would even take time defining this term, there are a couple of definitions. I'll save you the headache and only share the entires that appear to be submitted by people who have actually been exposed to an education.

1) "A self respected, strong female who has everything together. That consists of body, mind, finances, and swagger. Also, a female who does & gets hers by any means necessary."

2) "A woman who is attempting to reclaim the usage of the word bitch by erasing it's previously understood derogatory connotation and replacing it with a celebration of strength. This re-definition, however, overlooks the historically entrenched and problematic discourse surrounding gender relationships."

3) "Female who knows what she wants and knows exactly how to get it.Female who is always ready for anything physically, emotionally, and also intellectually(one being book smart as well as street smart). One who is classy and all about business. Last, but certainly not least, one who knows how to take care of her man at home and in the streets and remains loyal to him(her man), herself, and the game at which she plays."

Ok, let's have at it. Entry #1, what self-respecting, strong female calls herself a bitch? If she handles her business by any means why not just refer to her as a hustler or an independent woman?

Entry #2 is right in regards to our success in overlooking the true meaning of the term and the damage it  has caused throughout our history. Instead of reclaiming a word that was never ours, we should stop using it. Most importantly we should stop answering to it because it is not who we are, and it is not a representation of who we are striving to be.

I'll get to entry #3 later.

Basically, a bad bitch is a woman who takes care of her responsibilities. Well in that case, just refer to yourself by your name since you are fulfilling your duties as an american citizen. Why should you get a special title for doing your job?

One factor distinguishing a bad bitch from an independent woman is her demand within a group of men. Men rather have a bad bitch than an independent woman. This is not a universal truth, however, it is a truth supported, and highly advertised, in popular culture. As entry #3 says, a bad bitch is "one who knows how to take care of her man at home and in the streets and remains loyal to him."

On the contrary, an independent woman prioritizes her career, education, kids, etc. over men. She comes first, not him. In our society, this is problematic. Although many women have worked hard to reclaim the term bitch in attempts to alter it's meaning, they have yet to succeed because our society has not updated it's agenda. We've had many women's rights movements, multiple waves of feminists, and a satisfying amount of women step into positions of power.  But the fact of the matter remains, women still come second to men. We are still payed less, respected less, and valued less. Except for our body, our body is highly valued.

However, our knowledge of this unequal treatment and our rise against it serves as a threat.

I have read scholarship and have personally been told that a man does not want a woman who does not make him feel needed. Therefore, men rather have a bad, obedient bitch than a strong, equality-seeking woman. And what are bitches? female dogs. What are dogs? Man's best friend? And what are women supposed to be? A man's finest accessory.

My point is, this is still a male-dominated society. This is still a place where you need to be tamed by a male or you're seen as a problem. More women are shifting to becoming independent, which causes distortion in our antique method of doing things. The more women fight to gain power, the harder society fights to regain order. As a solution, we give rise to the bad bitches. A bad bitch is a creation that gives women the impression that they are independent, while subconsciously re-sizing them back for their inferior position below men. Conforming to being a bad bitch allows men to reclaim ownership over women, once again.

Instead of being a bad bitch, just be bad at being a bitch because you never really know whose bitch you are anyway.

Who Puts The "Role" in Role Model?

 In order to expose my students to current issues regarding the female gender, I showed the documentary Miss Representation. The film does an amazing job of exploring the various ways the media objectifies females, and it offers a space to listen to multiple perspectives of this misrepresentation. Although their male counterparts were interviewed too, female voices dominated the documentary. One way the film empowers women is by asking women what they think about their current representation, as well as how they actually want to be represented. More significantly, the film speaks to and about all women--black,white, asian, lesbian, transgender, higher class, lower class, etc. In doing so, the film acknowledges that all women want to be treated equally, however, there are some intersectionalities that cause some women to face even more obstacles when pursuing equality. The film, in my opinion, did an excellent job of providing women with an available means to speak up and out for themselves--an opportunity we rarely come by. However, there was one shortcoming.

The predicted, and much needed, conversation on role models gave light to just how problematic our similar differences can be. 

From a very young age we are taught to look up to other people. We are trained to adopt a person of interest and follow in their footsteps. It is not that we are discouraged from being the first, but having a role model does make the journey a lot easier. The interviewed women of Miss Representation advised younger girls that yes, they should have a role model, but not to limit themselves to a role model that looked like them. I immediately accepted this as promising advice. If we waited for a role model to look like us we wouldn't accomplish anything. In order to get to where we want to go, both men and women, we have to diversify our options. Not too often are the "first ones" women or people of color, but there are a few; which means they looked up to someone who had the position they wanted, not the same face as them.  For example, there has yet to be a female president, but that does't mean a woman shouldn't strive to be president. 

As the discussion on role models continued to develop, my optimism faded. The women went on to give examples of who their role models were. I didn't recognize some of the names, but the pictures flashing in the background provided me with some familiarity. All of their role models looked just like them. The Asian women listed other Asian women they looked up to, the blacks listed blacks, and the whites listed whites. Some women looked up to males too, which reenforces the point that our role models don't have to look like us. But this isn't what I had in mind. I was under the impression that we were finally stepping outside of our comfort zone, breaking through economic class barriers, and making shifts across the color spectrum to find role models, not another reflective models. When I say reflective model, I am referring to a person that physically looks like us, rather than someone who has the same goals as us. In following someone just because they who physically resemble us we limit ourselves to being only like them. This isn't always a role model, we don't want their role, we just limit ourselves to their role because it looks manageable. 

So ask yourself, do you have a role model or a reflective model? 

I have a role model, however, I didn't realize it because I was so busy looking for a reflective model. I've overlooked my white, male role model for some time now, in search of a strong, colored female. I didn't think having a role model who looked different from me could actually be a model for me. And here's why.

I am a 24 year old, bi-racial female who is currently a student and an instructor at a predominantly white, private university. To make matters more intense I have future plans to teach either in a prison or in a university on the subject of prisons. My goal as of right now is to inform my students of problems regarding race, class, and gender. Teaching in the midst of a war against police brutality and hints at another civil rights movement, I find it imperative that these issues be brought into our classroom. But as I stand up and stand out in front them I can't help but realize that these are issues of my society, not theirs. I ask myself, how do I talk to these strangers about topics they could careless about? I ask my professors, who will teach me how to deal with the tension of exposing higher class students to meager, lower class problems? Who will be my role model? Where is she?

I find comfort in hoping that there is someone out there just like me, who can provide me with the ideal blueprint. We tend to think only people like us know what we are going through. That only people like us can help us. I must admit, when you're the only different one in the room you begin to question yourself; no matter how deserving you are of the position. Being alone is hard and it sucks, but it must be done. 

In searching for this imaginary, female heroine I limited myself in two ways. First, I neglected to acknowledge that although my mentor of four years is a white male, he comes from a community more diverse and lower class than mine. He also wasn't as privileged as me. Before his PhD was just a mere GED. This is the role model I've been looking for, I was just blinded by his differences. Although, we are not exactly the same, his path and his destination are similar to mine. Therefore, he is the definition of a role model. 

And second, by foraging for this perfect role model I ruled out the possibility that I may be the person I am searching for. As I said earlier, if we waited for a role model that looked like us we wouldn't accomplish anything. I could have accomplished much more if I had stopped looking for her, and looked to myself. 

My point is yes, it is comforting to have a role model that looks like you, but it could be limiting. Find your role model based on their actual role. Their role in the professional world and their role in your life. 

Most importantly, don't be afraid to be that role model you are looking for. You never know who else is looking for you.

Women Shouldn't Compete, We Should Collaborate

This past weekend I spent a night out with a male companion. We missed our movie and decided to stop at a nearby restaurant to have drinks. It was a Friday, so as we predicted the place was pretty packed. We found a small, high top table in the bar area  and decided to sit there. We were surrounded by people, conversations, and flat screen TVs entertaining sports fans. To my left sat four African American women, who appeared to be in their late 30s or early 40s. Initially, I hadn't paid much attention to them. They just seemed to be a typical group of women enjoying each other's company.

As the night went on my friend and I sipped our drinks and zoned in on each other's voices; attempting to focus on our conversation rather than the many others taking place. For the majority of the night I hadn't taken my eyes off of him. For one it helped me focus on what he was saying, and two he is extremely handsome and I enjoyed having him in my presence. As the night went on it became clear that I was not the only one who admired his appearance.

I felt someone starring at me. As the feeling intensified I decided to glance across the room to justify my suspicions. To the left of me I found one of the four women, resting her head on her hand, starring directly at me. I made a surprised/offended face, shook my head, and turned back to my friend. A few seconds later he stopped in midst of his conversation and said "is she starring at us, what is she looking at?" I told him I didn't know and to just ignore it. I assumed by their earlier laughter and loud tone the women had consumed one too many drinks and were feeling them now.

As my friend continued his conversation I couldn't help but hear one of the women repeat everything he was saying. I didn't know if she was mocking him or just trying to get his attention. I told him to talk about something else because I wasn't sure if that topic should discussed in front of people who were listening so hard. How she heard him I don't understand because I was barely catching what he was saying and I was much closer to him.

A few minutes later the women started up again, "I'm cute, you're cute, we're cuter than her. We should be with him" is what she said to her friend. I was completely baffled, as was my date. He was more furious, he said their ghettoness was pissing him off. I was completely offended, not because they weren't satisfied with my looks, but because two women would bash another woman for a man they don't even know. For a man that had no interest in them.

Shortly after, the women left. On their way towards the door I seen them arguing with a group of people at another table. I don't know if they knew each other. But once again, they were making their comments towards the male at the table.

This isn't the first time I've had women dislike me, but it is the first time I've had women who know nothing about me hold a grudge against me. I just couldn't believe it. I could not understand what I did to them. Upon sharing the story with my aunt her response was, "is this really the first time this has happened to you, you better get used to it."

So this is normal?

Two other women pointed out to me that it is a possibility that the women were jealous and perhaps attempting to convince themselves he was with me because of my lighter skin tone. Because I am in the south this is quite possible. The racial tension is very prevalent in the south, and I have felt the tension before. However, I've never heard anyone say something like this. I've read memes and articles about the light skin vs. dark skin movement. I've also reviewed scholarship presenting the idea that African American women embrace european standards of beauty to 1) makes themselves feel better about their appearance, and 2) as a subconscious demonstration of self-hate.

Like most issues in society I have read about them, researched them, witnessed them, but have never experience them. I am surrounded by strong, confident, educated women--both black and white--that have never showed any signs of jealousy. Obviously not all women are like the ones at the restaurant, but it is shocking that women, I would consider my sisters, would hate one of their own.

Regardless of if the "beef" was result of my skin tone, ethnicity, physical appearance, or my man it is still unacceptable. There is plenty of scholarship that attempts to explain why women treat each other this way, there are various workshops that try to help women deal with their jealousies, but more importantly there are way too many issues women already have to face for us not to empower each other. Women are still fighting for equal rights, we have a bigger enemy, how dare we pull each other down.

This small experience is an example of why our movements towards a better society have failed to move. Why are we competing against each other when we should be collaborating with each other. If a woman is willing to put me down for a man she doesn't know, what else will she try and take from me? It also bothers me that she thought she deserved him simply because of what she looks like. Is that all she has to offer? Sadly, that is all a lot of women think they have to offer. I am not too strict on gender roles, but if you are not willing to take care of your man (mentally and physically) then why are you more equipped to have  him?

As women, our hatred towards one another--which is a reflection of hatred for ourself--needs to stop. We are more than our looks, we are more than what a man sees in us, we are more than competition for the next woman. We are sisters, we should be united.